Is this the one?

“Is this the one?” You may ask yourself this question when meeting or dating someone. How do you know? There are multiple clues along the way that we will discuss in the next few chapters. One type of person to be on the watch for is, as we like to call them, the imposter.
 
Imposters, in this case, aren’t bad people; they just aren’t right for you. By definition an imposter is “one that assumes false identity or title for the purpose of deception.” Our personal definition of the imposter is someone who is very close to what you are looking for in a spouse but is missing some of the key traits required to truly identify them as the right one. We aren’t talking about hair color or a couple inches of height here!
 
We know from personal experience as well as from mentoring others, there are certain desires God puts in your heart before marriage that are a big deal to you. They are meant to help guide you through accurately identifying who will be a good match for you. We know one lady who always had a dream to stay home and raise her children. She even told her friends in high school, “I’m going to marry a very financially stable man someday who will be happy to let me stay home and raise our children.”
 
When she met her future husband, she recognized that he was a very intelligent and motivated man. She finished her associate’s degree, they married, and she worked to help put him through college and graduate school. When they had kids, he happily encouraged her to stay home and raise them. Elated to have her dream fulfilled, she became a classroom mom and participant in all of the kids’ activities. Now she and her husband have been happily married for over twenty-five years. The strong dream in her heart shaped what she looked for in a husband and helped draw her to the right one.
 

Amy

I had character traits on my mental list that any female typically would look for in her future husband, but there were three unique attributes that were very important to me. They were in my heart for many years and I had no idea why. Later I realized they were beacons God had put there to point me towards Shaun. Psalm 37:4 promises, “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires” (NLT).
 
When you invest time with God through Bible reading and prayer, He is able to not only place specific desires inside your heart but also help you clearly recognize what your true desires are. I wanted to marry someone who had sisters. Not just any sisters, but sisters with whom I would feel close. I also wanted someone whose family didn’t smoke since I am allergic to cigarette smoke. Finally, I wanted to marry someone whose parents had never been divorced.
 
As a side note, there is nothing wrong with those who have divorced parents. We are not recommending you add this to your list. Unfortunately, it is not as common as it used to be. Statistics do show, however, that when marriage gets tough, those who come from divorced homes are more likely to consider divorce than those from homes without divorce.1 If you or the person you consider for marriage come from a divorced home, we strongly encourage you to get good instruction on the covenant of marriage as the truly unbreakable bond God intends it to be. We also recommend you gain knowledge on how to build unity and vision in your relationship.
 
Back to my story. Before meeting Shaun, I dated a young man who was a great person and possessed many of the characteristics I was seeking in a future husband. After dating him for some time and assuming I would probably marry him, I remember saying to my mother one night, “I always thought when you found the right person to marry that you would see stars and hearts and be excited at the thought of coming home to them for the rest of your life.” My mom looked quite surprised at me. She said, “You should be excited about spending the rest of your life with whomever you are going to marry.”
 
Her response got my attention and caused me to begin questioning whether or not this young man and I were really a good match. He felt more like a brother. I’m guessing he probably felt the same way toward me; we were more like siblings than sweethearts.
 
I recall being at a holiday family event with many of his relatives. They were very nice people, but a number of them smoked inside the house. I came home and spent the next day in bed with a pounding headache and nausea. My mom walked into my room and asked, “Amy, are you going to have to live like this after every holiday for the rest of your life?” I began to revisit my mental list. I realized that the key characteristics I knew in my heart about my future husband’s family were not true for this man.
 
When I met Shaun, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that he had three sisters, all of whom were very kind and friendly to me right from the start. The first time he brought me to a family reunion, I noted that out of over one hundred and fifty people, I didn’t see anyone smoking inside. On top of everything, his parents had been married for thirty years. Shaun checked all of my major three list items as well as other important things I was seeking in a future husband.
 
As I got to know Shaun, there was a clear confidence in my heart that he was the right one. This knowledge became only stronger over time, rather than questionable. As Proverbs 4:18 states, “The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day” (NLT). God desires to make your path brighter and clearer with each step you take so that you can easily walk in His plan for your life.
 

Shaun

When meeting Amy, I was immediately drawn to her confidence and character. As we would cross paths in the hallway at college, I noticed she always walked with her head up and was quick to give a smile. She didn’t come across as a female who needed a man in her life in order to feel good about herself, like so many other young ladies appeared. She dressed in nice clothing that was always modest. I knew from looking at her that she was someone who would be trustworthy and faithful.
 
One day when visiting my parents, my father asked if I was interested in anyone. “I really don’t want to get married until I’m at least twenty-eight,” I told him, being twenty-one at the time, “but if I were to get married, there is a young lady I cross paths with in the hallway at school on a regular basis. She’s a teller at my bank. I’ve never met her and don’t even know her name, but she is the one I would want to marry.” I was referring to Amy! You certainly don’t need to have this kind of revelation about your future spouse. I say this to point out that in your heart, if you are honest with yourself, you often have a good idea of what you are really looking for.
 
Like Amy, I also dated someone before we met who was more of a sibling to me. Although she was a very kind person and had a number of great qualities, she didn’t have some of the top things on my mental “wife list.” She seemed to be looking for more of a father role in a future husband rather than a teammate like I desired. Some females have this need, and some men like to fill it. There is nothing wrong with this; it just wasn’t for me and my personality.
 
Some females feel a need for a man who can fix the car, assemble every item that comes into the house, and repair the plumbing when it breaks down.  I am happy to mow the lawn and blow snow in the winter, but I personally enjoy how Amy likes to assemble many of the projects that come into our house, and I value her tenacious personality.
 

Shaun and Amy

Certainly not all qualities on a person’s future spouse wish list are worth splitting hairs over, but there are certain characteristics that you do need to take seriously if they are truly important to you. We have seen both women and men compromise in their future spouse’s relationship with the Lord. They may ignore their significant other’s lack of desire for the things of God and ignore how they have to coerce them to go to church each week. People ignore warning flags because they desperately want to be married or want to start a family.
 
Whatever we compromise to gain, we typically lose or become unhappy with in the end. Your relationship with the Lord is one area that you definitely can’t compromise without consequences. If you compromise God and His word in order to gain a spouse, you will eventually regret it, most likely because of an unhappy marriage. Remember Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” In our opinion, it is better to stay single than to compromise and be miserable for the rest of your life.
 

Bringing it Home

  1. Of the qualities you want in a future spouse, in your heart, which ones seem the most important to you? List them in order of priority.
  2. If you are seeing someone right now, are you joyful at the thought of being with that person for the rest of your life?
  3. If you are seeing someone right now, do they consistently treat you with honor, respect, and value? Do you consistently treat them this way?
  4. If you are seeing someone right now, do they seem like the kind of person who would be faithful in marriage? Faithful to God? Faithful to you?
  5. Are you someone who would be faithful to your future spouse? If not, how can you change this? If yes, why do you believe you would remain faithful?
 
In Love, 
Shaun & Amy

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