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PASTORS SHAUN & AMY GUSTAFSON
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FROM THE BLOG
Insight and wisdom from High Point Leadership
Is this the one?
“Is this the one?” You may ask yourself this question when meeting or dating someone. How do you know? There are multiple clues along the way that we will discuss in the next few chapters. One type of person to be on the watch for is, as we like to call them, the imposter.
Imposters, in this case, aren’t bad people; they just aren’t right for you. By definition an imposter is “one that assumes false identity or title for the purpose of deception.” Our personal definition of the imposter is someone who is very close to what you are looking for in a spouse but is missing some of the key traits required to truly identify them as the right one. We aren’t talking about hair color or a couple inches of height here!
We know from personal experience as well as from mentoring others, there are certain desires God puts in your heart before marriage that are a big deal to you. They are meant to help guide you through accurately identifying who will be a good match for you. We know one lady who always had a dream to stay home and raise her children. She even told her friends in high school, “I’m going to marry a very financially stable man someday who will be happy to let me stay home and raise our children.”
When she met her future husband, she recognized that he was a very intelligent and motivated man. She finished her associate’s degree, they married, and she worked to help put him through college and graduate school. When they had kids, he happily encouraged her to stay home and raise them. Elated to have her dream fulfilled, she became a classroom mom and participant in all of the kids’ activities. Now she and her husband have been happily married for over twenty-five years. The strong dream in her heart shaped what she looked for in a husband and helped draw her to the right one.
Amy
I had character traits on my mental list that any female typically would look for in her future husband, but there were three unique attributes that were very important to me. They were in my heart for many years and I had no idea why. Later I realized they were beacons God had put there to point me towards Shaun. Psalm 37:4 promises, “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires” (NLT).
When you invest time with God through Bible reading and prayer, He is able to not only place specific desires inside your heart but also help you clearly recognize what your true desires are. I wanted to marry someone who had sisters. Not just any sisters, but sisters with whom I would feel close. I also wanted someone whose family didn’t smoke since I am allergic to cigarette smoke. Finally, I wanted to marry someone whose parents had never been divorced.
As a side note, there is nothing wrong with those who have divorced parents. We are not recommending you add this to your list. Unfortunately, it is not as common as it used to be. Statistics do show, however, that when marriage gets tough, those who come from divorced homes are more likely to consider divorce than those from homes without divorce.1 If you or the person you consider for marriage come from a divorced home, we strongly encourage you to get good instruction on the covenant of marriage as the truly unbreakable bond God intends it to be. We also recommend you gain knowledge on how to build unity and vision in your relationship.
Back to my story. Before meeting Shaun, I dated a young man who was a great person and possessed many of the characteristics I was seeking in a future husband. After dating him for some time and assuming I would probably marry him, I remember saying to my mother one night, “I always thought when you found the right person to marry that you would see stars and hearts and be excited at the thought of coming home to them for the rest of your life.” My mom looked quite surprised at me. She said, “You should be excited about spending the rest of your life with whomever you are going to marry.”
Her response got my attention and caused me to begin questioning whether or not this young man and I were really a good match. He felt more like a brother. I’m guessing he probably felt the same way toward me; we were more like siblings than sweethearts.
I recall being at a holiday family event with many of his relatives. They were very nice people, but a number of them smoked inside the house. I came home and spent the next day in bed with a pounding headache and nausea. My mom walked into my room and asked, “Amy, are you going to have to live like this after every holiday for the rest of your life?” I began to revisit my mental list. I realized that the key characteristics I knew in my heart about my future husband’s family were not true for this man.
When I met Shaun, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that he had three sisters, all of whom were very kind and friendly to me right from the start. The first time he brought me to a family reunion, I noted that out of over one hundred and fifty people, I didn’t see anyone smoking inside. On top of everything, his parents had been married for thirty years. Shaun checked all of my major three list items as well as other important things I was seeking in a future husband.
As I got to know Shaun, there was a clear confidence in my heart that he was the right one. This knowledge became only stronger over time, rather than questionable. As Proverbs 4:18 states, “The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day” (NLT). God desires to make your path brighter and clearer with each step you take so that you can easily walk in His plan for your life.
Shaun
When meeting Amy, I was immediately drawn to her confidence and character. As we would cross paths in the hallway at college, I noticed she always walked with her head up and was quick to give a smile. She didn’t come across as a female who needed a man in her life in order to feel good about herself, like so many other young ladies appeared. She dressed in nice clothing that was always modest. I knew from looking at her that she was someone who would be trustworthy and faithful.
One day when visiting my parents, my father asked if I was interested in anyone. “I really don’t want to get married until I’m at least twenty-eight,” I told him, being twenty-one at the time, “but if I were to get married, there is a young lady I cross paths with in the hallway at school on a regular basis. She’s a teller at my bank. I’ve never met her and don’t even know her name, but she is the one I would want to marry.” I was referring to Amy! You certainly don’t need to have this kind of revelation about your future spouse. I say this to point out that in your heart, if you are honest with yourself, you often have a good idea of what you are really looking for.
Like Amy, I also dated someone before we met who was more of a sibling to me. Although she was a very kind person and had a number of great qualities, she didn’t have some of the top things on my mental “wife list.” She seemed to be looking for more of a father role in a future husband rather than a teammate like I desired. Some females have this need, and some men like to fill it. There is nothing wrong with this; it just wasn’t for me and my personality.
Some females feel a need for a man who can fix the car, assemble every item that comes into the house, and repair the plumbing when it breaks down. I am happy to mow the lawn and blow snow in the winter, but I personally enjoy how Amy likes to assemble many of the projects that come into our house, and I value her tenacious personality.
Shaun and Amy
Certainly not all qualities on a person’s future spouse wish list are worth splitting hairs over, but there are certain characteristics that you do need to take seriously if they are truly important to you. We have seen both women and men compromise in their future spouse’s relationship with the Lord. They may ignore their significant other’s lack of desire for the things of God and ignore how they have to coerce them to go to church each week. People ignore warning flags because they desperately want to be married or want to start a family.
Whatever we compromise to gain, we typically lose or become unhappy with in the end. Your relationship with the Lord is one area that you definitely can’t compromise without consequences. If you compromise God and His word in order to gain a spouse, you will eventually regret it, most likely because of an unhappy marriage. Remember Matthew 6:33, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” In our opinion, it is better to stay single than to compromise and be miserable for the rest of your life.
Bringing it Home
- Of the qualities you want in a future spouse, in your heart, which ones seem the most important to you? List them in order of priority.
- If you are seeing someone right now, are you joyful at the thought of being with that person for the rest of your life?
- If you are seeing someone right now, do they consistently treat you with honor, respect, and value? Do you consistently treat them this way?
- If you are seeing someone right now, do they seem like the kind of person who would be faithful in marriage? Faithful to God? Faithful to you?
- Are you someone who would be faithful to your future spouse? If not, how can you change this? If yes, why do you believe you would remain faithful?
In Love,
Shaun & Amy
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Communication is Key
…A house divided against a house falls (Luke 11:17).
Everyone has different communication styles. If we want to be effective in our marriage, it is vital to communicate in a way that our spouse can understand and relate with. This is illustrated well by the following story.
Jack and Ashley began with a good marriage. However, as the years progressed, Ashley found herself becoming increasingly frustrated because she desired to have a weekly date with Jack, but he usually only made time for that every few months after much persistence from Ashley. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but in the evening he normally did a lot of work on the computer, then watched TV and didn’t want to talk during that time. She got only about 10 to 15 minutes of his undivided attention every few nights. Jack also found himself feeling less desire to be with Ashley because she always wanted to discuss problems and he didn’t think they had any, other than wishing she desired intimacy more often.
One day Ashley came to Jack and said “Honey, when you watch those car races on TV, why is it that the car driver has a pit crew that changes the tires on their car after so many miles?” Jack responded, “Because the tires would wear out if they didn’t and they would eventually have an accident.” Ashley responded, “I feel kind of like a race car. As the head of my home, you do the best you know how to be a good driver. But I feel like I have to drive on bald tires quite often because my driver rarely gives me a pit stop by having a date with me to keep our relationship going strong.”
Jack was surprised by Ashley’s words. He had not realized that regular dates were that important to her. She had told him over and over, but using a different communication method that he could relate with finally drove it home. From that point on, he made an effort to make time for her each week, and he found her desire for intimacy increased as well.
Ashley had decided to stop blaming and start praying for a way to get through to her husband’s heart. Through this, she had come across an important communication technique with men, and an example that her husband could relate with because of his love for auto racing. Word pictures that a person can relate with will often get the point across, just as Jesus used stories to illustrate the truths of God’s kingdom.
In the past, Ashley used persistence and nagging to try to get her needs met in their relationship, but it had started to drive her husband away. However, when she realized that she needed to approach communication as Jack being for her rather than against her, she started to communicate effectively. When we approach our spouse as our friend and teammate, reaching for a common goal, we will get our point across in a non-threatening, effective way.
Riding home on an airplane one day, we had a wonderful conversation with a businessman sitting next to us. When he found out that we did marriage ministry, he said he had one bit of advice he would like us to give husbands. He went on to tell us that for many years his wife would ask him to have a weekly date so she could have some communication time with him. With their three children, she felt they rarely had any quality conversation together.
Even though he loved his wife very much, for years he rarely responded to her request of weekly time alone. If they did go out, he was always looking around the restaurant to see if there was anyone with whom he could make a business connection. Then, with a look of deep appreciation he said, “God somehow finally got through to me and showed me what I was doing to my wife. He helped me see that next to Him, she is the most important person in my life and I needed to start acting like it.”
They finally started having a date on the same night each week without fail. Now wherever they go, he has eyes only for his wife. He is no longer looking for business connections and acquaintances and is no longer answering the cell phone or pager during her time with him. He said it has greatly improved their marriage, and his wife is so much happier now. Then, with a look of regret he said, “It isn’t even difficult to take one night out a week for her! I wish I had known sooner how important it was to a marriage.”
Studies show that women have a need to talk at least three times more than men. This need to verbally communicate each day shows why it is so important to a wife that her husband take some time each day to listen to her without doing anything else. It makes a woman feel valued when her husband will just listen. However, it is also important for wives to remember that when a husband gives his wife time, it should not be used to vent all of the problems of the day.
When teaching on this topic at a seminar once, a woman from the audience told us the Lord had put it on her heart that the reason He gave her a greater need to speak was so she would edify her husband with those extra words she speaks and meet his need for respect and appreciation.
Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it (Matthew 7:13-14).
These Scriptures are of course referring to finding the way to eternal life with God in heaven. Yet it is also important to remember that each of our decisions in life also presents us with the choice of God’s way or the world’s way, the narrow gate or the broad way. Our style of communication is one of those daily choices we make. Are we going to communicate God’s way or the world’s way? Are we going to treat our spouse like our friend at all times, or treat them like our enemy some of the time?
Once a family member with whom we were visiting for a few days commented that she had been watching us closely to see if we ever gave each other irritated looks. She said “I’ve even been watching you when you didn’t realize anyone else was in the room, and I haven’t found you once looking anything but kindly at each other!” We didn’t realize this was supposedly abnormal for married people. It shouldn’t be. Our spouse should be our best friend, and we should make every effort to make them feel wonderful and accepted when they are around us.
It may be the easy thing to just treat a spouse with irritation or frustration after having a challenging day at work. But that is part of the broad gate the Bible talks about that is easy to slip into by the flesh. As believers, we have the Holy Spirit to help us walk in love at all times so we can enter through the narrow gate. Jesus made a better way for us to communicate with each other, which is through His unconditional love. Even if our spouse doesn’t walk in love toward us, we can choose that, as for us, we will live for God and live pleasing to Him. We are accountable to God for our own actions and our spouse is accountable to God for theirs, so as Romans 12:18 says, “…as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men,” and that “men” most definitely includes our spouse and family!
We hope this encourages you to always walk in love toward those around you,
We love you!
Pastors Shaun & Amy
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A Vision with Value
Write the vision and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it (Habakkuk 2:2).
Zig Ziglar once said that when a person has a strong vision and a problem arises, the problem will be like a pebble on the beach they simply kick out of the way. However, if a person has no vision and a problem arises, it will be like a tidal wave washing them into the sea. We have found through working with couples, that this saying is very true. Setbacks and problems are just a pebble on the beach for couples who clearly know their God-given vision together, but for a couple with no clear purpose and plan, problems often seem to become tidal waves. This is most likely why strife in a marriage and lack of a Christ-centered vision often go hand in hand. Without a strong eternal purpose together, believers are often washed into the same tidal wave of marriage disappointment that the world struggles with.
It has been recorded that within the first five years of marriage the number one struggle marriages deal with is financial hardship. Although lack of wisdom with finances and lack of self-control in spending are frequent causes for financial hardship, we strongly believe one of the biggest roots to financial problems within marriage is that many couples do not know their God-given purpose for being together, which often results in a focus on things of the world rather than the things of God.
In our early years of marriage, we had very little. There was not any extra money for dates, gifts, or extra purchases of any sort. We thank God that as we look back on it, we never had one argument over money. We believe a large reason for this was that our vision together was so strong. We refused to get discouraged by the financial situation we were in because we knew God had a plan for our lives together. We also knew Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” We trusted God that if we pursued His plan for our life and marriage, He would take care of us and we would experience the goodness the Bible talks about.
The Bible encourages us to have a vision and make it plain, so we can run with it. Sometimes couples we encounter have some vision as an individual for their career or maybe parenting, which is good, but more is needed. Unless a couple has a focused, eternal purpose in their relationship together, they often end up just striving after material things as the rest of the world does. However, when a couple has a Christ-centered vision, they are no longer satisfied with the status quo of just going to church on Sundays, reading their Bible on occasion, then living like the rest of the world throughout the week, doing little to nothing of eternal value.
God created us as humans with a desire to do something of lasting value and to be a gift to the lives of others. We were created in God’s image, and He does things of eternal value. Therefore we also have an inherent desire to create something meaningful with our lives. Sin has tried its best to corrupt this desire in people, but when a person gives their life to God, the desire for their God-given purpose is renewed in them. Our goal today is to stir up that desire in you if it has been lying dormant or untapped. God has a plan for you to do something to change the world with lasting, eternal impact, not just as an individual but also as a couple.
How do we create a vision together with lasting value? This first begins with understanding what vision really is. When Habakkuk 2:2 says, “Write the vision and make it plain…,” the Hebrew word used for vision actually means a dream or a revelation that comes from God (Strong’s #2377). So creating our vision together first begins with receiving a revelation or dream in our hearts from God. We can pray and ask God what we are called to do with our spouse.
Sometimes people know even as children what they are called to do. God places this in our spirit from the moment we are conceived. The Bible even says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5). This means when He created us, He knew all along what our purpose would be. When we ask God to reveal to us His dream and plan for our life together, we can trust that He will be faithful to show us.
Together with our spouse, we can write down each of our gifts and talents and how we believe they are meant to work with our spouse’s gifts and calling. As God reveals His plan for us, we then turn that plan into goals. In Philippians 3:14 Paul states, “I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Notice Paul did not say that he pressed toward the prize. He said he pressed toward the goal, which is also translated as “mark” in the King James Version.
Paul didn’t aimlessly say, “Boy, I sure hope I’ll get a prize or reward someday for having done something right while I was on the earth!” No, Paul said he pressed toward a goal. He knew it was a Christ-centered and Christ-directed goal that would please God. God wants each of us in our personal life and marriage to have goals that we plan and attain under His leading, so we can accomplish the purpose for which He placed us on earth. He can also then give us greater eternal rewards when we get to heaven!
When we know what God has called us to do, we can make intermediate goals with action plans as a mark to measure our success in moving toward the ultimate goal. Some questions we might ask ourselves are: Do these goals further God’s kingdom? Do our individual goals fit into our ultimate goal as a team in marriage? What do we need to do to prepare ourselves to fulfill each goal? What roadblocks might we need to overcome on the way and how will we overcome them? When do we plan to achieve each goal?
Team goals may encompass areas such as financial goals of consistent giving above the tithe to certain ministries each month, having a daily family Bible study time or prayer time together, volunteering together in a certain area of the church, sponsoring children who live in poverty in another country through a trusted ministry, or doing short term missions work together. It is also important to have goals in other areas as well, such as quality marriage time, family time, financial, exercise, and things of this nature. Just remember to keep God first place.
We once heard a story about a couple that attended a marriage conference and got a big wake up call. They said the conference speaker mentioned how most Christian couples just want to be financially secure and happy, and then if God is pleased with them, that would be great too. The conference speaker went on to say the trouble with this mindset is that when we make security and happiness our top goals, these things become impossible to attain because we are seeking our own pleasures rather than seeking the kingdom of God first. When this couple analyzed where the majority of their money went and how they spent the majority of their time, they realized they were not seeking the kingdom of God first but, rather, living primarily for personal gain.
The couple wrote out new goals and then began to boldly pursue them. They personally and financially began supporting a marriage ministry, a ministry to feed and train the poor, and several pastors. They determined to work with and support the same pastors, churches, and ministries each month, knowing that a consistent, focused effort will produce more lasting results than sporadic involvement. Years later, this couple commented that after they changed their focus from desiring a big house, financial security, and promotion to instead pursuing the furthering of God’s kingdom, all of these former desires had been added to them without their even trying.
This couple is living proof that when we take care of what concerns God, He will take care of what concerns us. God passionately wants to reward you and your family for doing what He has called you to do. He is just looking for avenues through which He can pour out His blessing on you! When we as believers set eternal goals and advance in the steps to His ultimate plan for our lives, this creates wonderful avenues for His goodness to pour out in the greatest measure on our life and the lives of those around us. May you and your spouse passionately pursue and achieve all He has called you to do and may you be rewarded greatly for making an eternal difference in the lives of others!
In love,
Shaun & Amy
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