“We really love each other and we know it was God who brought us together. We just don’t understand why we fight so much! On a regular basis one of us gets upset or irritated with the other about something.”
Ben and Shelly verbalized thoughts experienced by many couples. Through further conversation we found they were both raised in broken families. Ben had never met his father nor had any male role model in the home. He was raised in abuse and poverty, struggling to help his sickly and mentally ailing mother. Shelly had some role models, but was raised in a separated family much of her life.
Unfortunately, stories like theirs are very common in the day in which we live. Many people have grown up with either poor examples or no examples of the skills and unconditional love required to make marriage last a lifetime. Within a short time, they begin to follow the behavior patterns they observed in their parents, or they do whatever feels good in an attempt to love based on what makes them feel valued. Many people enter marriage hoping to receive unconditional love, but have little to no idea how to give it!
Ben and Shelly longed for the connection and joy God intended for marriage and asked us if we would impart any secrets we had discovered. They told us they had been viewing us from a distance and they could tell by reading our body language we were happy with each other. We got together with them and visited, sharing the big key to unity God had graciously caused us to stumble upon. He helped us see if we would pray together for a time each day (preferably morning), we would be much more likely to have peace, unity, and single-mindedness in our marriage relationship all day long.
This may be hard to believe if you have a lot of strife right now, but it really does help! We’re not saying couple prayer time will make you see eye to eye on everything, but it will help you be more like-minded, as well as humble, compassionate, and honoring as you work through your differences. Sometimes our likes, desires, and ideas are different than each other. The more we pray, the more we’ll find both of us stepping away from demanding “It’s my way or the highway!” Instead, when we’ve developed a habit of humbling ourself before God in prayer, it yields more humility of listening to and working with each other. Prayer turns our me to we.
In the Bible there’s a story about a group of believers gathered together years ago. It shares the amazing results of their prayer time together.
After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly. All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. (Acts 4:31-32 NIV)
Did you notice the three things unified prayer caused with these people? It brought boldness for sharing the love of Jesus, unity, and selflessness. Prayer together resulted in them having one heart and one soul, meaning clarity for direction and motives. This would really help a lot of couples! James 1:8 tells us “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways” (KJV). A marriage with two people trying to go their own direction, rather than God’s unified direction, is also unstable.
When you and your spouse daily pray together, double-mindedness goes out the back window and single-mindedness walks through the front door to help unify the two of you as one heart and one soul. If you’re a skeptic by nature, we realize this may sound a little pie-in-the-sky happy, but it really is profound! We’ll talk more on this in a moment, but don’t just take our word for it. Try it yourself for a month and see what happens! When you two humble yourselves before God and pray together, humbly asking for guidance and help, like-mindedness and unity just start kicking into gear!
The people’s prayer time together resulted in selflessness rather than selfishness. Selfishness is a huge problem in many families today, but this Scripture shows us how to overcome this destructive habit. When we pray together, we are putting Christ at the center of our relationship. Through this humble act, we are inviting God to grow a selfless and serving attitude within both of us. This is the way God intended marriage to be – two people trying to out-serve each other for fun, just like He loves us!
Now back to our story – after we explained all of these benefits to Ben and Shelly, Ben (a skeptic by nature) shared how he really doubted whether prayer time together would help deal with their bickering. “Let’s do this,” we said. “You have disagreements almost every day. Why don’t you try praying together at least fifteen minutes every morning for just one week? Then come back and tell us the results.” We also added, “One more thing, make sure you do your prayer together first thing, before you engage in conversation with each other, otherwise you may get in a disagreement first and end up not praying at all.”
One-week later Ben and Shelly arrived for our meeting. As they strolled through our door, they didn’t even have to say a word. We could tell by their lollypop grins and deer-in-the-headlights gazing at each other that things had improved. Their countenance had brightened to put it mildly. Their body language towards each other was like a graceful combination between a great Fourth of July fireworks display coupled with the tenderness and awe of holding a brand-new puppy.
They excitedly shared with us that in only one week there had been dramatic changes. They both agreed the arguments had diminished by about ninety percent. With a sheepish grin Ben said, “The other ten percent of disagreements happened only when we didn’t start the day with prayer first.”
Ben and Shelly had quickly experienced how God’s Word will work for us when we put it into practice. Just a word of warning here though – prayer time together is something to do daily for the rest of your life – like brushing your teeth. It isn’t something you only do for a couple of months and then stop because you haven’t had any cavities lately!
Isn’t it good to know God didn’t just throw a man and woman together with their opposite strengths, gifts, and abilities and say, “I don’t know how they are ever going to get along with each other?” No, God made marriage to be a work of art, and He gave us a manual to follow on how to have strong relationships. He made man and woman’s opposite characteristics to complement each other and be a powerful force in the earth for His kingdom. Marriage is meant to be a gift, and it can be for you each day! It definitely takes intentional effort, but the lifelong rewards are worth it.
Even if your marriage currently feels like you’re in the 8th inning and down twenty-five to nothing, there is hope. Remember God said, “Love never fails.” (See 1 Corinthians 13:8.) We can take God at His Word and ask Him for help to love our spouse with His kind of love, even if they (or we) are currently a challenge!
In Love,
Pastor Shaun
