We Attract What we Are

Many people are looking for the right person without realizing that they should focus on being the right person. We typically attract what we are. Do you want someone who is educated? You are more likely to find that if you are pursuing growth yourself. Do you want someone who compliments you often? Practice complimenting those close to you several times a day consistently. Most important of all, do you want someone who is committed to God? Then purpose to daily keep your focus on Him.
If you haven’t met the right one yet, don’t lose hope! Keep believing. In the meantime, develop yourself. Let that be a lifelong pursuit of all of ours, married or single.

The following is a short list of questions we would encourage you to ask yourself while waiting for the right one:

  1. Am I close in my relationship with God? If not, I would be concerned about making a good choice for a spouse. Sadly, we have seen numerous people invest little to no time with God who then marry someone hoping they will be a good spouse. God wants you to seek Him and pray over your future spouse. He can and will help you make the right choice when you stay close to His side and put Him first place consistently (Matt. 6:33).


If you have a desperate longing (rather than a healthy desire) to get married, it’s often a sign that you are trying to fill a void that only God can fill. People are notorious for trying to fill the deep need for intimacy with our Creator with other things.


Some people think, “If I get married, I will finally be happy and feel loved.” No person is perfect. In reality, the person you marry will not agree with you or please you 100% of the time. They will not always make you happy. Marriage is a union that makes two spiritually and emotionally healthy people even more fulfilled, but it also makes two spiritually and emotionally unhealthy people feel emptier than they did before marriage.   


  1. Am I emotionally mature? Are you quick to forgive or do you tend to hold a grudge? Do you take your frustrations out on others by being silent, moody, drinking, cussing, or insulting others? Although a Christ-centered marriage is wonderful, it is not a fairytale. We all have to work on problems, but emotionally mature people learn to work things out without the added drama. This is easier said than done, but it improves with maturity.


Are you bothered when you don’t get things your way? Do you become depressed when things don’t work out how you hoped they would? If so, one way to build your emotional stability is to pursue being a more giving person. Purposely place yourself in situations where you have to learn to become selfless rather than selfish. We all have two choices in life: serve self or serve others. Choose daily to serve others and trust God to take care of you. Volunteer and help others who are hurting and less fortunate!


  1. Am I financially ready for marriage? Genesis 2:24 admonishes us to leave our father and mother and cleave to our spouse. If you are financially (or emotionally) dependent on your parents after marriage, this will likely be a problem. God gave Adam dominion over plants and animals (a career) when He gave Him a wife. If you are going to have to live with parents after marriage, you’re probably not ready to get married.


We strongly encourage you to make sure the one you marry is financially assiduous. If you need help in this area, go through a class such as Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University together. Regarding finances, sometimes we’re asked if the wife should work outside of the home. If the wife wants to work, this is the couple’s choice. We understand there are also times when the wife may work and the husband stays home with young children for a season as well. Just remember, if someone is lazy or a poor financial steward before marriage, they will typically be just as much and even more so after marriage.


  1. Am I planning for marriage? If you want to be married, plan for the future! Start saving money right now for your honeymoon, even if you haven’t met your future spouse yet. Years ago when Shaun was finishing college, we knew a very gifted doctoral student. Many young women on the college campus admired and swooned after his classic tall, dark, and handsome appearance. He had an amazing voice, with a captivating Spanish accent, a result of being raised by highly respected missionary parents.


A friend of his told us that he had been traveling with his parents to other nations for years, and since being a teenager, he had purchased a gift for his future wife in every place he visited. He planned to lavish the gifts on her when they got married. We were told that he had a closet full of gifts saved for her! He met and married a wonderful young woman a couple years later, and she received the blessing of his wonderful foresight. It is much better to be over prepared than under prepared when you meet your dream spouse.


  1. If the right one came into my life at this moment, would they be physically attracted to me? It may not be fun to face up to, but this can be a roadblock. We’ve heard people say, “I don’t want to change to attract someone. They need to love me for who I am.” Keeping yourself physically appealing through attractive hair, stylish and modest clothing, and a healthy lifestyle is helpful in the search for the right person.


You should continue this after marriage, not just prior to it. We’ve had men tell us that they feel their wife pulled a bait and switch on them. She was physically attractive and dressed nice before marriage, but started overeating, wearing sweats, and rarely wearing makeup after marriage. It really isn’t honest for men or women to make a big effort in their appearance to gain a spouse then let this effort fall to the wayside after marriage.


  1. Do I have any addictive behaviors that I need to work through? Obviously people with addictions get married all of the time, so this is not a roadblock to getting married. However, all addictive behaviors will be a hindrance to the health of a marriage in some way, so our recommendation is to deal with these issues now so you can have a strong marriage with minimal barriers. Whether it is pornography, alcohol, drugs, gambling, anorexia, food addiction, or anything else, get help now. When you are single is the very best time to work on getting emotionally healthy.


Some of the affairs we have helped people work through have been committed after the cheating spouse had a few drinks. Casually drinking with other people lowered their guard, and they gave into temptation. Many of those who cheated on their spouse without the influence of alcohol had a history of viewing, reading, or listening to some type of pornography.


Addictions catch up with us. You may think nobody knows or that you are not hurting anyone, but nothing could be further from the truth. Addictive behaviors are a cover-up for some kind of pain and insecurity in a person’s life. The sooner you seek help, the better off you will be and the better future you can obtain. There are many great books and sources of help to get through addictions.
As we mentioned previously, being the right person includes learning to think positively of yourself if you don’t already. Having confidence is vital to building a strong relationship. What you think of yourself right now is evidenced by the type of people you consider for marriage. If you go for confident and secure people, it’s likely a reflection of what you think of yourself.
On the contrary, if you date or have interest in people whom you feel obligated to bring up to a higher level, it may be a sign that you have issues yourself. If the majority of your closest friends frequently struggle, or strongly depend on you to feel happy or good about themselves, you most likely have issues of low confidence and insecurity as well.
Take a good look at your life. Are you drawn to people who are “need projects” in one way or another? A woman with this issue may be drawn to a man who frequently causes others to say, “No one will ever be able to tame him!” Low confidence also shows up in the form of dating men who don’t treat females with genuine love, honor, and respect.
Men with low confidence are often drawn to women who need rescuing. They get to rescue her from all the drama in her life. Needing to be the hero is an especially common trait among men who had an alcoholic parent. They grew up protecting their younger siblings from the alcoholic parent’s behavior. As adults they have a need to find a spouse they can bail out financially or protect in some other way. They look for and attract high-need people rather than healthy people.
A truly content person tends to have at least several stable friends. Instead of being a constant need project, they simply enjoy their friends’ companionship, strengthening each other. If the majority of your friends are unstable or if you struggle with emotional issues yourself, find a stable mentor who has a solid marriage or is happily single. With the help of the Word and mentoring, ask God to show you why you have a tendency toward unhealthy relationships. The reason is most likely rooted in insecurity from your earlier years.
God wants His Word to renew your mind about who you are and the value you have. Jesus paid everything for you. You are valuable to God. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” God wants you to have friends who will strengthen and encourage you and vice versa. Proverbs 27:17 states, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend” (NLT). You will become like the people with whom you spend the most time, good or bad. Don’t ever think that you will affect them while they won’t affect you.
Sometimes people who were once on a good track with God lower their expectations because they so desperately want to be married. In doing so, they compromise their vision and values. We wholeheartedly agree with ministering to those who hurt, and we value and encourage mentoring those who want positive change. However, dating people with low standards or even maintaining a close friendship with those who compromise integrity will eventually bring you down.
Galatians 5:9 warns, “A little leaven leavens the whole lump.” Notice it doesn’t say, “A lot of leaven leavens the whole lump.” In other words, subtle comments and behaviors make a big difference. They will slowly rub off on us while we don’t even notice what is happening.
If you choose to hang around friends and coworkers who harbor bitterness or have disdain for the things you value, their attitudes will eventually rub off on you without your conscious knowledge. Rather than becoming sharpened, you could become dulled towards God and His direction over the process of time. Be intentional to invest quality time with people you want to emulate so that their positive behaviors can rub off on you.
Make goals for your life and pursue them! Develop a personal growth plan to help you become everything God has called you to be. Rather than investing all of your time looking for the right spouse, make your primary focus to become the right spouse. Then, as you pursue God and personal growth, dare to trust God’s best for you!
We love you! 
Pastors Shaun & Amy