We Attract What we Are

Many people are looking for the right person without realizing that they should focus on being the right person. We typically attract what we are. Do you want someone who is educated? You are more likely to find that if you are pursuing growth yourself. Do you want someone who compliments you often? Practice complimenting those close to you several times a day consistently. Most important of all, do you want someone who is committed to God? Then purpose to daily keep your focus on Him.
 
If you haven’t met the right one yet, don’t lose hope! Keep believing. In the meantime, develop yourself. Let that be a lifelong pursuit of all of ours, married or single.
 

The following is a short list of questions we would encourage you to ask yourself while waiting for the right one:

  1. Am I close in my relationship with God? If not, I would be concerned about making a good choice for a spouse. Sadly, we have seen numerous people invest little to no time with God who then marry someone hoping they will be a good spouse. God wants you to seek Him and pray over your future spouse. He can and will help you make the right choice when you stay close to His side and put Him first place consistently (Matt. 6:33).

 

If you have a desperate longing (rather than a healthy desire) to get married, it’s often a sign that you are trying to fill a void that only God can fill. People are notorious for trying to fill the deep need for intimacy with our Creator with other things.

 

Some people think, “If I get married, I will finally be happy and feel loved.” No person is perfect. In reality, the person you marry will not agree with you or please you 100% of the time. They will not always make you happy. Marriage is a union that makes two spiritually and emotionally healthy people even more fulfilled, but it also makes two spiritually and emotionally unhealthy people feel emptier than they did before marriage.   

 

  1. Am I emotionally mature? Are you quick to forgive or do you tend to hold a grudge? Do you take your frustrations out on others by being silent, moody, drinking, cussing, or insulting others? Although a Christ-centered marriage is wonderful, it is not a fairytale. We all have to work on problems, but emotionally mature people learn to work things out without the added drama. This is easier said than done, but it improves with maturity.

 

Are you bothered when you don’t get things your way? Do you become depressed when things don’t work out how you hoped they would? If so, one way to build your emotional stability is to pursue being a more giving person. Purposely place yourself in situations where you have to learn to become selfless rather than selfish. We all have two choices in life: serve self or serve others. Choose daily to serve others and trust God to take care of you. Volunteer and help others who are hurting and less fortunate!

 

  1. Am I financially ready for marriage? Genesis 2:24 admonishes us to leave our father and mother and cleave to our spouse. If you are financially (or emotionally) dependent on your parents after marriage, this will likely be a problem. God gave Adam dominion over plants and animals (a career) when He gave Him a wife. If you are going to have to live with parents after marriage, you’re probably not ready to get married.

 

We strongly encourage you to make sure the one you marry is financially assiduous. If you need help in this area, go through a class such as Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University together. Regarding finances, sometimes we’re asked if the wife should work outside of the home. If the wife wants to work, this is the couple’s choice. We understand there are also times when the wife may work and the husband stays home with young children for a season as well. Just remember, if someone is lazy or a poor financial steward before marriage, they will typically be just as much and even more so after marriage.

 

  1. Am I planning for marriage? If you want to be married, plan for the future! Start saving money right now for your honeymoon, even if you haven’t met your future spouse yet. Years ago when Shaun was finishing college, we knew a very gifted doctoral student. Many young women on the college campus admired and swooned after his classic tall, dark, and handsome appearance. He had an amazing voice, with a captivating Spanish accent, a result of being raised by highly respected missionary parents.

 

A friend of his told us that he had been traveling with his parents to other nations for years, and since being a teenager, he had purchased a gift for his future wife in every place he visited. He planned to lavish the gifts on her when they got married. We were told that he had a closet full of gifts saved for her! He met and married a wonderful young woman a couple years later, and she received the blessing of his wonderful foresight. It is much better to be over prepared than under prepared when you meet your dream spouse.

 

  1. If the right one came into my life at this moment, would they be physically attracted to me? It may not be fun to face up to, but this can be a roadblock. We’ve heard people say, “I don’t want to change to attract someone. They need to love me for who I am.” Keeping yourself physically appealing through attractive hair, stylish and modest clothing, and a healthy lifestyle is helpful in the search for the right person.

 

You should continue this after marriage, not just prior to it. We’ve had men tell us that they feel their wife pulled a bait and switch on them. She was physically attractive and dressed nice before marriage, but started overeating, wearing sweats, and rarely wearing makeup after marriage. It really isn’t honest for men or women to make a big effort in their appearance to gain a spouse then let this effort fall to the wayside after marriage.

 

  1. Do I have any addictive behaviors that I need to work through? Obviously people with addictions get married all of the time, so this is not a roadblock to getting married. However, all addictive behaviors will be a hindrance to the health of a marriage in some way, so our recommendation is to deal with these issues now so you can have a strong marriage with minimal barriers. Whether it is pornography, alcohol, drugs, gambling, anorexia, food addiction, or anything else, get help now. When you are single is the very best time to work on getting emotionally healthy.

 

Some of the affairs we have helped people work through have been committed after the cheating spouse had a few drinks. Casually drinking with other people lowered their guard, and they gave into temptation. Many of those who cheated on their spouse without the influence of alcohol had a history of viewing, reading, or listening to some type of pornography.

 

Addictions catch up with us. You may think nobody knows or that you are not hurting anyone, but nothing could be further from the truth. Addictive behaviors are a cover-up for some kind of pain and insecurity in a person’s life. The sooner you seek help, the better off you will be and the better future you can obtain. There are many great books and sources of help to get through addictions.
 
As we mentioned previously, being the right person includes learning to think positively of yourself if you don’t already. Having confidence is vital to building a strong relationship. What you think of yourself right now is evidenced by the type of people you consider for marriage. If you go for confident and secure people, it’s likely a reflection of what you think of yourself.
 
On the contrary, if you date or have interest in people whom you feel obligated to bring up to a higher level, it may be a sign that you have issues yourself. If the majority of your closest friends frequently struggle, or strongly depend on you to feel happy or good about themselves, you most likely have issues of low confidence and insecurity as well.
 
Take a good look at your life. Are you drawn to people who are “need projects” in one way or another? A woman with this issue may be drawn to a man who frequently causes others to say, “No one will ever be able to tame him!” Low confidence also shows up in the form of dating men who don’t treat females with genuine love, honor, and respect.
 
Men with low confidence are often drawn to women who need rescuing. They get to rescue her from all the drama in her life. Needing to be the hero is an especially common trait among men who had an alcoholic parent. They grew up protecting their younger siblings from the alcoholic parent’s behavior. As adults they have a need to find a spouse they can bail out financially or protect in some other way. They look for and attract high-need people rather than healthy people.
 
A truly content person tends to have at least several stable friends. Instead of being a constant need project, they simply enjoy their friends’ companionship, strengthening each other. If the majority of your friends are unstable or if you struggle with emotional issues yourself, find a stable mentor who has a solid marriage or is happily single. With the help of the Word and mentoring, ask God to show you why you have a tendency toward unhealthy relationships. The reason is most likely rooted in insecurity from your earlier years.
 
God wants His Word to renew your mind about who you are and the value you have. Jesus paid everything for you. You are valuable to God. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” God wants you to have friends who will strengthen and encourage you and vice versa. Proverbs 27:17 states, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend” (NLT). You will become like the people with whom you spend the most time, good or bad. Don’t ever think that you will affect them while they won’t affect you.
 
Sometimes people who were once on a good track with God lower their expectations because they so desperately want to be married. In doing so, they compromise their vision and values. We wholeheartedly agree with ministering to those who hurt, and we value and encourage mentoring those who want positive change. However, dating people with low standards or even maintaining a close friendship with those who compromise integrity will eventually bring you down.
 
Galatians 5:9 warns, “A little leaven leavens the whole lump.” Notice it doesn’t say, “A lot of leaven leavens the whole lump.” In other words, subtle comments and behaviors make a big difference. They will slowly rub off on us while we don’t even notice what is happening.
 
If you choose to hang around friends and coworkers who harbor bitterness or have disdain for the things you value, their attitudes will eventually rub off on you without your conscious knowledge. Rather than becoming sharpened, you could become dulled towards God and His direction over the process of time. Be intentional to invest quality time with people you want to emulate so that their positive behaviors can rub off on you.
 
Make goals for your life and pursue them! Develop a personal growth plan to help you become everything God has called you to be. Rather than investing all of your time looking for the right spouse, make your primary focus to become the right spouse. Then, as you pursue God and personal growth, dare to trust God’s best for you!
 
We love you! 
Pastors Shaun & Amy

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Sowing, Reaping & Prayer

When God created the world, He put into place a spiritual law called the law of sowing and reaping. We will reap what we sow. This law applies to spiritual matters, emotional matters, and physical matters. A farmer sows seed in the ground and eventually reaps a harvest of what he or she planted. A person sows money in the offering to a church or ministry they support, and God sends them increase through multiple avenues. A person sows their time into reading the Bible and reaps the fruit of faith, wisdom, and understanding which directs their life for earthly and eternal good. Let us look at Galatians 6:7-9:

 

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

 

Therefore, when we sow time to the Spirit each day by obeying the Word through practicing and walking in unity, we are building fruit for eternity. This Scripture also encourages us to be diligent about sowing to the Spirit. In other words, don’t practice spiritual unity for a week or two and then forget about it. Strong physical muscles are built steadily and consistently by working out but then must continue to be maintained in order to remain strong. Likewise, strong spiritual unity is built through consistent, daily effort that results in a lifelong bond.
 
We once heard about a study done that showed the divorce rate among couples who pray together regularly is 1 out of every 1,152. This demonstrates great evidence that praying together provides substantial benefit for building and increasing unity. If you and your spouse currently pray alone, why not draw another step closer to God as well as each other by adding unified prayer to build your relationship even stronger.
 
Matthew 6:33 states, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” When we give Him first place in our marriage relationship, He will add the other things to us by causing us to reap a harvest of spiritual, emotional, and physical unity. We have found the more years we pray together, the more we grow in the rest of our marriage. We enjoy our relationship more now than when we were first married.
 
Jesus said, “By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love one for another” (John 13:35). If we can exercise love at home and walk in peace consistently with those closest to us, the world will see we have love for one another.
 
What a great testimony for unbelievers to see a Christian marriage and home filled with an abundance of love created through spiritual unity. What an excellent testimony it also is for unbelievers to see a marriage healed through a couple turning to God and His Word, building a lasting spiritual bond. As we consistently build marital unity through prayer together, we will find ourselves living in a marital masterpiece more and more.
 
During our prayer time we give God praise for His goodness and we also let our requests be made known to the Lord with thanksgiving (see Philippians 4:6). Daily prayer together should be a time of enjoyment and praise, which builds an atmosphere of peace in the home.
 
There are several suggestions we make for couple prayer time. We advise making time together in the morning if at all possible. Praying together while still snuggled in bed is wonderful because it bonds you spiritually as well as meeting each others need for affection. It will set you both on the same page when you communicate throughout the day, as well as when obstacles may arise.  If morning is not possible, pray together as soon as you can.
 
We also recommend husband and wife each takes turns, going back and forth praying for anything that comes to his or her heart. Some of the things we typically cover in our prayer times are:
 
  • Thanksgiving for what the Lord has done for us and those around us,
  • Positive and uplifting prayers for each others day,
  • Prayer for each other and our children’s protection and wisdom,
  • Prayer for each other’s extended family (parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews),
  • Prayer for those in authority over us: our President, nation, military, and employer,
  • Prayer for our church and the marriages the Lord puts on our heart.

 

There are several things we caution couples of during prayer. First, do not use this as a time to criticize each other. We once had a couple say to us, “This prayer together just doesn’t work.” When we inquired as to why, we found out they ended up fighting every time because they would pray for the other one to grow or change in whatever areas they felt they didn’t measure up. We should leave our prayer time together feeling positive and built-up in the Lord.
 
Second, remember not to criticize each other’s families. Prayer for one another’s extended family should be done with kindness and love. When we pray for family in a positive way, thanking and trusting God to minister to them and meet their needs, we will begin to look at our spouse’s family as our own. We will then see that our spouse loves our extended family as unconditionally as we do, which also builds unity.
 
Third, know that sometimes couples feel awkward when they first begin to pray together. It is just like learning to ride a bicycle when you were a child. Sometimes it was difficult to get up and moving, but you eventually learned to balance and ride smoothly. So it is with unified prayer. Don’t give up! Practice for short periods of time and be patient with one another.
 
As we learn to pray together, we will grow in God’s kind of love. 1 Corinthians 13:5 states, “[Love] does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil…” If we think no evil toward our spouse, then we will be patient as we both grow in our walk with the Lord together. We will choose to believe that they are trying their best and, therefore, we will encourage them when they pray.
 
This is what we were talking about earlier when we compared unified prayer to a tennis doubles team practicing daily. When we make the effort to get ourselves unified in the small things like daily prayer, trials are much easier to overcome when we encounter them.
 
If you and your spouse have had challenges with prayer together, don’t be discouraged! Just start by praising God together each day and thanking Him for the good things He has done in your life and in the lives of those around you.
 
We truly believe this one simple change will make a lasting difference in your marriage! 
 
Be blessed! 
Pastors Shaun & Amy

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Where does strife come from?

When we as believers truly understand the root cause for strife and fighting, I believe we will be more determined to prevent it from occurring in our relationships. Proverbs 13:10 gives us one great cause of strife. It says, “By pride comes nothing but strife.” This is one of the root issues – pride. Therefore, it is easy to see that when someone chooses to enter into strife, it is being instigated through the satanic realm.
 
Satan, who was once called Lucifer, was removed by force from his position in Heaven as one of the head angels because he got into pride and wanted to be God. Therefore, Satan is the author of pride. This is why 1 Peter 5:5 says, “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Until a person is willing to humble himself or herself, God will not show up on their behalf. Why? When a person gets into pride, he or she is submitting to the lordship of Satan rather than the Lordship of Jesus.
 
As a person causes or participates in strife, they are also neglecting Jesus’ command quoted in John 15:12: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” An excellent example of this is shown in Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins.” Therefore, if we participate in strife we are choosing to walk in Satan’s realm, which is hatred, rather than walking in Christ’s command of love. Knowing this, it is not any surprise that James said, “For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work” (James 3:16, KJV). If we choose to walk in strife, we are also choosing to open the door to the devil, giving him free reign to bring confusion and every evil thing into our life.
 

James had quite a bit to say about fighting and disagreements. In James 4:1-3 he states that fighting comes from a person’s desire for pleasure, which is rooted in lust and coveting. When someone lusts or covets after something they don’t have, that is ultimately from pride because they are saying that what God has given them isn’t good enough. A classic example of this is King David. We find the story in 2 Samuel 11:2-4,

 

And from the roof he saw a woman bathing, and the woman was very beautiful to behold. So David sent and inquired about the woman. And someone said, ‘Is this not Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?’ Then David sent messengers, and took her; and she came to him, and he lay with her . . .

 

The story continues with David later having her husband killed because she was pregnant with King David’s baby. After he committed this great wickedness, he was visited by Nathan the prophet and rebuked by God. The Lord said to David,

           

I gave you your master’s house and your master’s wives into your keeping, and gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if that had been too little, I also would have given you more! (2 Samuel 12:8).

 

It is interesting to note that in addition to addressing David’s act of adultery, God also went on to address David’s lack of contentment with what he already had as sinful behavior. Hebrews 13:5 advises us, “Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have.” God had given David so many good gifts and even with all that he possessed, he became discontented, lusting and coveting after what belonged to someone else.
 
This is how pride and selfishness work. No matter how much God gives someone they are not appreciative for what they do have. A person who allows pride and selfishness to rule their life will never be consistently satisfied with anything or anyone emotionally, physically, or sexually. This is why prideful people are often angry people. They are especially good at putting on a façade for those outside their family, yet they get into strife and snap at those of their own household without apology.
 
People living this way often don’t know why they are angry so often. It is because they have yielded to pride and selfishness and this causes a recurring dissatisfaction because nothing ever seems good enough. There may be a few temporary moments of satisfaction where pride feels a short-lived fix. A big achievement, a promotion, purchasing a new top-of-the-line car, watching pornography, or an illicit sexual encounter may give short gratification, but then the dissatisfaction is right back again and the person lashes out in anger at those they are closest to.
 
It is not wrong to desire something, as long as it is not against Biblical principles to have what we desire. Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” The true test is, do we invest more time thinking about how good God has been to us and how we can be a gift to others or do we invest in thinking about what we don’t have.
 
The good news is, if we realize that pride has been leading us, we can repent and choose to change our ways just like David did. Isaiah 55:7 gives us a wonderful description of God’s mercy, saying, “…Let him return to the Lord, and He will have mercy on him, and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon.”
 
God only shows us what we need to change in ourselves because He loves us and He knows that we don’t have to live a life of discontentment. He has already provided a way for all of our needs to be met and for us to have divine satisfaction when we walk with a thankful heart toward Him for the things we do have. True satisfaction comes from knowing the grass isn’t any greener on the other side; rather, it’s greenest where it is best watered and properly tended to. 
 
In love, 
 
Pastors Shaun & Amy 

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Love Never Fails

We know a certain woman who became a Christian, committing her life to the Lord after she and her husband married. Although her husband wanted nothing to do with God or church, she was always compassionate toward him. Her greatest desire was to see him receive God’s free love and forgiveness through Jesus.
 
We were amazed when we visited with her. She never once spoke unkind words about him even though he was often inconsiderate toward her. She always got tears in her eyes and said, “All I want is to know that one day, when he dies, he will go to heaven and not hell.”
 
She focused on the best in him continually and would never complain about him or their marriage. She also invested time each day praying for other marriages where the wife went to church but the husband did not. It wasn’t long before he asked Jesus into his heart and now has a close relationship with God himself!
 

This wife is a great example of how we are able to choose our own thoughts and words; our circumstances do not have to dictate them. When we make a conscious choice to forget the past and not meditate on wrongs done to us, we are then able to focus on and speak the promises of God over our life and the lives of those around us. When we do these two things—meditate on praiseworthy reports and pray God’s Word—we are truly able to reach forward to the good things God has in store for us. As Paul said,

 

Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14).

 

You may be asking yourself, “Is it really possible to forget bad things that have happened to me?” According to Matthew 19:26, “…With God all things are possible.” When we study Scripture, we find the key to forgetting wrongs done to us is love. Love is a choice, rather than merely a feeling. We let go of past hurts by choice, and God’s love will help us do this. Let us look again at Ephesians 3:14-19:

 

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant to you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height – to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

 

Often when people read this passage, they assume the “saint” mentioned above is simply making reference to a godly person here on earth, but it is not. The Hebrew word for that kind of saint is used in Psalm 116:15 which states, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.” The word used for “saints” in this Psalm means “godly man, good, holy (one), merciful” (Strong’s #2623).
 
In Ephesians 3 the word translated as “saints” specifically refers to “God, an angel, a saint, a sanctuary” (Strong’s #6918). This means Paul is praying for believers to be grounded in and understand all forms of God’s love just like God, His angels, and the saints who already live with Him in heaven!
 
You may be wondering, “What does understanding God’s love like those who already live with Him in heaven have to do with not meditating on wrongs someone has done to me?” Everything and we will illustrate why.
 
When Shaun was having time with the Lord, preparing to preach the message for his mother’s memorial service, it was clearly placed on his heart that one of the things he was supposed to tell people was to think about the good things they had done for his mom during her life here on earth, rather than thinking of any regrets. Shaun realized this thought was very scriptural.
 
Colossians 3:2 encourages us, “Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” Everything in heaven is good and lovely because God is the focus of heaven and He is good and loving. People in heaven certainly think only of the good and loving memories from earth now that they are with Him, therefore we also can choose to be heavenly minded and only look for the good in people. We are able to do this more and more as we “know the love of Christ which passes knowledge” (Ephesians 3:19).
 

In the presence of God, who is love, there is no desire to meditate on hurts from the past or flaws in a person’s character. Even when Jesus hung on the cross He said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34). When a person truly experiences God’s unconditional love in their life, they passionately desire to show God’s love to those around them so others can experience His goodness also.

 

It has been said that if you choose to remain in your pain, you will stay the same. We would like to add, “If you choose to meditate on what is right, you will be a vessel through which God can shine His light!” Anyone can find imperfections in people. The real skill is choosing to look past mistakes and focus on the good in others.
 
When we bestow honor and admiration on those around us consistently, particularly on our spouse and children, we will receive the benefit of a peaceful loving home. Our prayer for you is that you will daily choose to be a vessel of light for God, ministering His love to those in your home and to those you encounter in this world.
 
With love, 
Pastors Shaun & Amy

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Is God in This?

God has given us His Holy Spirit to be our counselor and our helper. The Holy Spirit is here in the earth to guide us into making the right decisions. The key is that we must take time to listen and obey. Following His peace and guidance will save us from much heartache and pain. Sometimes we have to face our fears in order to obey, but the end result is extremely worth the wait.
 
Proverbs 2:10-11 states, “When wisdom enters your heart, and knowledge is pleasant to your soul, discretion will preserve you; understanding will keep you.” God’s Holy Spirit brings us discretion. He says “Caution! Caution!” through a lack of peace when there is danger ahead. He also directs us what to do or not do in an effort to preserve us from harm.
 
This inward guidance from God is most often experienced by those who have a close relationship with Him through daily Bible reading and prayer. The closer we draw to God, the more we will sense His Holy Spirit’s direction. As James 4:8 confirms, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” The more we pray with confidence, believing God wants to give us wisdom and direct us, the more we will have peace or lack peace regarding a situation.
 
Proverbs 3:16-18 states, “Length of days is in her right hand, in her left hand riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, and happy are all who retain her.” The Holy Spirit encompasses all of the wisdom of God, and one of the ways He manifests His wisdom to us is through peace when we are making the right choice or a lack of peace when we are making the wrong choice.
 
We should mention here that we have seen young adults get married prematurely because they wanted to get away from parents who did not nurture a peaceful home environment. They thought the logical way out of their parents’ disordered home was to get married themselves. If your parents’ home is unsafe, it is important to find a place of safety rather than approaching marriage as a way out.
 
If your underlying reason for marriage is escaping a damaged home, you will just create a marriage mess of your own that your kids will want to escape someday. It is better to live in your parents’ home, even if it’s not ideal, than to get married before you are ready or to marry someone who isn’t a good match for you. Make sure you are getting married for the right reasons!
 
Dating couples are often more concerned about keeping the relationship than having a healthy relationship. When a person wants so badly to get married, they will frequently hide or choose to ignore their significant other’s issues. Most often it’s the female who not only denies serious problems in the relationship but even tries to over-compensate or hide those issues from others. She hopes the problems or behaviors will eventually resolve themselves rather than confronting the issues directly. This kind of thinking is evidence of someone who needs to work on strengthening their emotional health and confidence.
 
We once heard a marriage counselor say that people will always marry someone who is at the level of their own emotional health. This is so true! People with emotional baggage have a way of finding each other.
 
The initial gauge to find out if you have emotionally dysfunctional tendencies is your parents’ marriage. Did your parents stay married? If they did, was their relationship truly happy and stable? Were either of them alcoholics, drug users, or gamblers? Did they have some other form of addiction? Was one of them extremely passive and the other one very controlling? Was there frequent yelling or the silent treatment in your home? Did you have any kind of consistent positive relationship model growing up?
 
What about your childhood? Did you suffer any kind of abuse? If you were molested, verbally abused, or experienced some other harm, it can affect how you feel about yourself and who you gravitate towards in a spouse. The good news is, God is a healing Father! Through His Word and His guidance, you can pursue and receive a renewed mind and a restored heart.
 
When you see red flags in yourself or in someone you are dating, don’t ignore them! One of the biggest flags to consider, as we mentioned earlier, is a half-hearted commitment to Christ. Going through the motions, such as going to church but lacking genuine desire for serving Christ, should be a red flag.
 
Beyond attending church, are they peaceful and kind when no one else is around? Are they respectful, polite, and encouraging to their family members and friends? How do they treat servers at restaurants who make a mistake? Are they patient, gracious, and polite or are they irritable and rude? Dysfunctional people frequently belittle you or others and make comments to imply you need them. God is your ultimate source. Always remember, no person can take God’s place.
 
Also stay on guard for people who like to go drinking or partying with their buddies. We have personally observed that people who get together with friends to drink on a regular basis are often the same people who cheat on their spouse or, due to intoxication, don’t protect their children from dangerous situations. Remember, addictions, control issues, demeaning comments, poor friendships, and half-hearted attitudes will be magnified after marriage.
 
We want to interject here, if you are reading this and are already married, don’t allow yourself to ask, “Did I marry the right person?” The covenant of marriage is just that – a covenant. God says at the marriage union that the two become one flesh (Gen. 2:24). He isn’t solely referring to physical intimacy. There is an actual union that God makes in the spiritual realm where the husband’s and wife’s spirits join in a union, much like the trinity – multiple parts but one spirit.
 
One of the enemy’s top strategies in breaking up a marriage and family is to get one of the spouses to start questioning, did I really marry the right person? Once the marriage union occurs, God never looks and says, “Well, those two aren’t getting along as well as I had hoped they would. Maybe she would have been better off with that old boyfriend she had in high school.”
 
We once heard a pastor say that six months after he got married, he started having the recurring thought he had married the wrong woman. She didn’t look at him or talk to him as kindly and friendly as she did before marriage. Little things about her were beginning to bother him and make him feel disrespected.
 
His parents had divorced, and he knew that there was a negative spiritual pull towards children of divorcees getting divorced themselves when things got tough in marriage. Fortunately, he had enough wisdom to know how to resist the temptation of divorce. He started meditating Proverbs 31:10-31 daily.
 
He would put his wife’s name into these verses as he read aloud. For example, “Shelly’s worth is far above rubies. My heart safely trusts Shelly, and I have no lack of gain…” Each day he would declare this in his private prayer time. Within a couple of months, their marriage began to dramatically improve!
 
What really happened was that, by praying and meditating this scripture over his wife daily, he applied consistent faith to his marriage. Praying and meditating the Word in faith over a situation daily produces success. He realized he wasn’t married to the wrong person. He just needed to actively apply faith to his marriage rather than passively allow the thorns of life to take over the garden that God meant for good. A woman can use Ephesians 5:25-33 to pray over her husband in the same way.
 
If you are currently single, remember that it’s best to be proactive about marriage. Ladies, pray and meditate Proverbs 31 over yourself right now, speaking in faith about the great wife you will be when that day comes! Likewise, men, it is wise to faithfully pray and meditate Ephesians 5 over yourself now, preparing to be an admirable husband someday.      
 
When we ask couples who have been happily married for many years, “How did you know?” many say that within the first three to six months of their relationship, “it just seemed right.” We believe the more someone has prayed in faith over this area (or others have prayed for them), the easier it is for a person to recognize the right one.
 
James 1:5 reminds us, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you” (NLT). During any dating or courtship time, pray and believe that God will make it very apparent whether someone is right for you or not. Better than that, pray diligently for your future spouse before you meet them! Even if no one has ever prayed over this area for you, you can pray for God’s clear direction in your own life, and He will cheerfully give it you.
 
If God knows who the right one is (and He does because He is omniscient), then He knows how to direct your prayers. We fully believe, after hearing numerous stories of couples who prayed for their future spouse, as well as parents who prayed for their children’s future spouse, that prayer brings noticeable clarity to knowing the right one to marry. God knows which couples would be a mess and which couples would be a match! Just ask Him for wisdom, then follow it!
 
In love, 
Pastors Shaun & Amy

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